In your dreams, Pop Tarts

If it's true that if you can dream it you can do it than I can't do very much at all.

Last night I had your standard "Save a dozen of Brangelina's children from a haunted house" dream and suddenly all the running and saving made me starving and suddenly my fifth-grade gym teacher started tapping me on the shoulder.

"Hey. Hey." She was sort of yell whispering, and she shoved a Fred Meyer bag into my arms. I looked inside and saw it was filled with every variety of Pop Tarts.

"That is so kind of you." I told her. "But I think these have gluten, I can't eat them."

Gluten is I something in wheat, rye, and barley and even in my dreams I have Celiac Disease and can't eat it. I spend most time in REM asking strangers, friends, and celebrities about cross-contamination and reading packaging labels.

"Aren't you hungry though?" she took the bag back. She was actually whispering now.

"Don't worry about me, I actually swallowed a lot of blood earlier so my stomach's full." I told her.

As a side note this blog post covers two of the seven subjects that are too boring to talk about.

World's shortest quest

My two favorite foods are probably carrots and eggs because I don’t have to buy a special version of them, no matter what kind you buy they never have gluten and so they won't ever kill me or even make me sick.

Some things are hard or impossible to make gluten free - mostly pastries and bagels, and some things would probably be easy but no one does it - like Pop Tarts and Cheerios. And then some things are so easy apparently, that there are tons of them. Like Oreos. 

There are at least a thousand (or three that I can think of) brands of gluten-free Oreos and all of them get incredible reviews. The incredible review is: “They taste just like Oreos.” 

Sometimes I buy them because I think there might be a brand I haven’t had yet that will taste just like Oreos, sometimes I think maybe my life is actually a quest to find a really great wheat-free chocolate sandwich cookie and I start to think about the songs they will write about me and so I buy a lot of different types of these Oreos and recently I realized some bad news, I don’t think it’s the rice or quinoa or potato or whatever weird flour they’re putting in that’s the problem. I think I might not like Oreos.

The best thing about Oreos, even gluten-free ones is you can take them apart and build your own real Double-Stuf® Oreos, and the best thing about being an adult is you can just throw your Double-Stuf® Oreo in the trash, no one is going to make you eat it. 

The best thing about being a rich adult is you can throw it in the garbage disposal.

What eggs and toothpaste have in common

Lately I’ve been running an awful lot on Saturday mornings, enough to make me feel sick to my stomach for hours, and then suddenly super ravenous for hours. So hungry I could eat anything, I guess even a raven, if that's where that word comes from.

This type of hunger is for your stomach what novocaine injections are for your mouth and it seemed like the perfect time to try something I’d been wanting to make forever but was always too grossed out: a Nutella omelet.

Here’s how to make a Nutella omelet, in four steps:

1. I think the key is to make a very small, very thin omelet. I knew there was a huge chance this would be a huge waste of food, so I only used one egg, and the biggest pan. I found all my kitchen supplies in an unmarked box in the basement of my apartment building a year ago, but if your building doesn’t have a basement you can use whatever kitchen supplies you’re used to.

2. Another key is whisking the egg for pretty much forever, I recommend accidentally turning on the oven instead of the stove, and then once you realize your mistake accidentally putting the pan on the wrong burner. This gives you at least five extra minutes of whisking time.

3. Make the omelet.

The eyes are hazelnuts.

4. Add Nutella. It’s actually some sort of organic naturally-sweetened free-range chocolate spread with hazelnuts harvested by hand models but it tastes the same, anything ranging from this to chocolate toothpaste would probably work. I almost added cinnamon before I remembered how horrible a mistake cinnamon eggs were, but in hindsight I think cinnamon would have been fine because…

Nutella omelets taste amazing. 

They taste like crepes but from chickens instead of from crepe-producing animals, and chickens are the best and crepe-producing animals are the worst. Really it’s impossible to oversell this food experiment. But it is possible that they only tasted good because I was so hungry. The possibilities are endless with Nutella omelets. 

Here's a gross-looking close-up and a delicious-looking tube of chocolate toothpaste to break up the text.

for a limited time only

It's that time again!

The flowers are dead, the air smells like worms, and the newspaper someone left out on the sidewalk now looks like a four-foot pile of gray scrambled eggs. That's right: the rain season! Which means some of our seasonal favorites are back:

Bread Confusion

Do you remember putting this piece of bread in a ziplock bag in your backpack this morning? Or was it yesterday morning? Wait, do you own ziplock bags? How did it get this flat?

Sadness Mocha

Stir a packet of sugar-free Swiss Miss into a cup of cold coffee-tasting-water and microwave on the "popcorn" setting.

Twice-burnt toast

Burned your toast? No problem! Scrape off the burnt parts and toast it a little more! Burned it again? Now it's probably super gross and not worth eating and you just ruined a $1.75 slice of gluten-free bread.

Candy you found in your backpack

Halloween lasts all year long!

Mystery Shape Treats

I wrote this one down and had an idea, and now I went to the bathroom and can't remember what that thought was. The stale candy may be messing with my short-term memory.