Why are these wet

The other day a cab driver and I were talking about Metallica.

I'm not sure how we started talking about Metallica. I had a super early flight and a cab so early I honestly think I called it in my sleep, and I woke up halfway to the airport halfway through a conversation about Metallica. So there we were. This cab driver loved heavy metal.

"Yeah I've been into heavy metal since I was a kid" he said as I rubbed my eyes and swallowed a yawn. "Even in fifth grade I was always wearing ripped jeans and heavy metal t-shirts, I was a real freak. All the other kids were like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU and I was like hey, I'm just really into Metallica."

I was a real freak in fifth grade too.

Once in fifth grade our Sunday school teacher gave us each a handful of Skittles, and then asked me to come up and write some things on the chalkboard. So I set my Skittles down on top of my notebook. 

"Don't eat my Skittles, you guys." I announced to the class. "I licked them all."

I wasn't even halfway to the chalkboard when one of the girls screamed. "These are wet! Why are your Skittles wet?!" She was holding one of my Skittles (probably a red one, those are the best) and looking horrified.

"I told you," I said, real calmly, cool as anything. "I licked them."

For some reason that explanation freaked out the whole class. All the other kids were like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU and I wish I could have responded with hey, I'm just really into Metallica.

I know this picture is too recent but I love their faces in it. They look like their photographer is speaking another language.

You can ask this fifth-grader if she likes Metallica but she's too busy brushing her teeth with a Sonicare to answer so don't bother.

I am really into jazz music though.

I'm partially ears

Last week I got my ears pierced - here's a picture.

One thing about having ten pounds of hair is that ear piercings for me are like stomach piercings or inside-of-the-spleen piercings for other people - they're nobody's business because no one can see them but me. 

It's hard for things to stay nobody's business when you write about them on the internet but something very important happened that I need to tell you about.

You can save $15 if you get a hoop earring instead of a little post earring.

I'm all about saving $15 and I figured I could spend a few weeks secretly looking like a gypsy and then switch it out for a post when my ear healed from having a hole punched through it. Right? 

WRONG. Putting a metal hoop in a piece of skin as fragile and rip-able as wet tissue paper is the worst idea I have ever had. The hoop earring catches on everything. It somehow gets caught on light breezes, and on music and smells. It keeps me awake at night wondering my ear's intact or if my pillow's ripped it to pieces, and when I finally fall asleep I wake up from nightmares about combing my hair.

Here is a useful chart of things I'm worried about my ear catching on.

I have more to say but my ear is making me too tired to write.

Mazel Tov, whatever that means

The thing about Hebrew is everyone says it’s so easy because it’s completely phonetic.

There aren’t weird things in Hebrew like there are in English where tough and though don't rhyme, and you can read a red book but last week you read a book about reeds. English is a mess obviously but everyone’s like, oh, Hebrew’s so easy.

So you memorize all these little geometric swooshes and the sounds they make and there aren’t too many of them and then congratulations - you’ve just turned a lot of geometric swooshes into a foreign language because you still have no idea what these sounds mean. The fact that Hebrew is phonetic makes it as easy to read as a Icelandic electrician’s manual. Sure, I can sound it out fine but this Icelandic waffle maker is still broken.

I know Icelandic pancakes are a thing but I don't know about waffles. Bubble waffles are a thing in China, have you seen them?

Anyway, if you give me enough time I can read the words הָעוֹלָם and חטיף out loud but one means snack and one means universe and I don’t know which is which. My favorite Israeli snack in the universe is Bamba and it’s also the only Israeli snack I’ve ever had.

A lot of Hebrew, besides the word Bamba and the phrase “Mazel tov” just sounds like very friendly coughing to me, and I don’t know how to say “Help I’m coughing” but if you wrote it I would be able to sound it out, because it’s phonetic, it’s so easy to sound out.

Here's this blog post Google-Translated into Hebrew, good luck.

הדבר על עברית הוא שכולם אומר שזה כל כך קל, כי זה פונטית לחלוטין.

אין דברים מוזרים בעברית כמו שיש באנגלית שבו קשה ואף מבוטאות שונים לחלוטין, ואתה יכול לקרוא ספר אדום, אבל בשבוע שעבר שאתה קורא ספר על קנים. אנגלית היא בלגן ברור אבל כולם כמו, אה, של עברית כל כך קל.

אז לך לשנן את כל הקשקושים קטנים האלה ואת הצלילים שהם עושים ושאין יותר מדי מהם ואז מזל טוב, אתה פשוט הפך הרבה קשקושים לשפה זרה, כי עדיין אין לך מושג מה הקולות האלה אומר. העובדה שעברית היא הפונטי עושה את זה כקל לקריאה כמו במדריך של חשמלאי איסלנדי.

אני יכול לקרוא את המילים x ו-X בקול רם, אבל אחד אמצעי חטיף ואחד אומר שקרבה ואני לא יודע מי הוא מי. החטיף הישראלי האהוב עליי הוא במבה וזה גם החטיף הישראלי היחיד שאי פעם היה לי.

הרבה עברית, מלבד המילה במבה ואת הביטוי "מזל טוב" פשוט נשמע כמו שיעול נחמד אליי, ואני לא יודע איך להגיד "עזרה אני משתעל" אבל אם אתה כתב את זה אני יוכל נשמע את זה, כי זה הפונטי, זה כל כך קל נשמע בחוץ.

It looks like I'm feeding bamba to giraffes but it's just a giraffe חטיף.

Small world

Lately my social media networks can't get enough of girls who are boys now.

Everyone wants to say how they feel about kids deciding whether they're boys or girls, kids being told whether they’re boys or girls, parents listening to kids about whether they’re boys or girls, whatever,

It just seems like a lot of yelling and not a lot of people asking why there are only two things you can be.

It seems like a sad and small world if it is a world where you can make a human being (you can make a human being!) and then all you can give it is GIRL. And if the girl says “I don’t like girl” the biggest thing you can say back is “Oh no problem - here is BOY. That will be what you like.” 

Two is just not a lot of options. 

If I went too a Kiefer Nissan dealership and all they had was two cars to choose from, I would take my business elsewhere. Even if they let me pick either car. And I think any three-year old would agree with me. 

Guys I know this is real pixilated but it's worth it because click on it it's a link to a factory where you can order slides.

This Maja Angelou Sesame Street song doesn't seem relevant but it is the best video in the world so I'm putting it here anyway. I would do karaoke a lot more often if this song were available.

Write me a rap song

I run almost every day, but never in shorts.

I always wear running tights. I like running tights because they look like what a superhero would wear but mostly I wear them because I'm a girl and it's 2014 and so, I hate my legs. That's what girls do in 2014.

Boooo, legs, right? Hate 'em. I have the worst legs.

But then a few weeks ago all my running tights were all in the wash and so instead I put on shorts and, you guys. I was completely wrong. It turns out I actually have amazing legs.

There are some things words can't describe but there are other things that inspire millions of words, that deserve thousands of volumes of literature describing them and my legs are that second type of thing.

If I were a poet I would write poems about these legs. I'm not great at poetry but you know what I am great at? Legs. I have the best legs.

So now it's weeks later and I wear shorts every day and sometimes when I run past a bus stop or restaurant or dog-walker someone will yell "I love your legs!" and I keep running even though I want so badly to stop and talk to them because we have so many similar interests: I also love my legs.