Chocolate is the only safe food

The best thing about the internet is realizing that any thought you have, someone else has had before.

When is it too late to have caffeine? Is my potted plant growing mold or are these spider larvae or is this what it looks like when it’s healthy? Is that John C Reilly’s voice in that TurboTax commercial?

Since I’m bad at tasting food but interested in cooking it the main thing I ask the internet is what foods are safe and normal to put together. You can put apples in eggs, and you can put potatoes in soup, and you can put raisins in curry and nuts in cereal and anything in anything as long as at least one person on the internet has said it's ok. Because the internet is just a giant metal laptop-shaped room full of your friends. 

But then last week, when I searched “can I mix peanut butter in greek yogurt” and nothing came up I noticed a related search at the bottom with tons of results: “peanut butter greek yogurt bodybuilders.” 

“A giant metal laptop-shaped room full of my bodybuilding friends!” I thought. But I was wrong. These people are not your friends. And they give super bad advice.

“Do it!” said the bodybuilders.

“I’ve eaten it four times today” said the bodybuilders.

“Edible” said the bodybuilders. 

That’s how I ended up ruining perfectly good peanut butter and perfectly good greek yogurt. I made the same mistake with tuna omelets and mustard salmon and then I learned my lesson and I’m writing it here to save you time: everything you read on the internet is a lie.

Except today I read any cat can run faster than Usain Bolt (not just cheetahs, house cats too), and I hope that’s true because I think it sounds amazing. What do I need to eat to get more "fast twitch" muscles? Would peanut butter tuna do it?

How old were you when you got into jazz music

My friend Boaz won free tickets to a jazz festival. To me the coolest part about winning tickets to a jazz festival is telling people you won tickets to a jazz festival, but they usually respond with “How was it?” so we had to go. 

As soon as we got there I realized that maybe for Boaz the best thing about winning tickets to a jazz festival might be listening to the jazz music, which is another example of how interesting it is to be friends with people with very different opinions than you. 

I liked the woman at the beginning of the show because she had seven different singing voices, including that low voice people use when they do impressions:

My ad was for a race car. What was yours for?

And also I didn’t like this woman because I think she’s twenty-three which means she’s three years ahead of me in the “be a cool jazz singer with cool hair and white glasses” game. I lose that game every time.

Then that woman left (her name was Cecile McLorin Salvant) and more people came onstage and it got really LATE, like dark in the theater and the music got relaxing and I felt very warm and later Boaz told me the exact moment I fell asleep was during a very loud drum solo. Which seems like something an old person would do. But it also seems like something a newborn baby would do. So maybe I’m just staying the same age? 

Twenty-six is a pretty good age to stay. I have red glasses and I’ve been practicing singing jazz music in the shower every day.

Reasons I shouldn't go running today

Please choose three of the four excuses.
○ It's snowing.
○ My knees feel sort of loose. Is that a thing?
○ Maybe I should stay home and watch tv so I know more about pop culture.
○ My hair looks too good to mess up.

No spoilers please

Things I think about when I’m washing my hands in a coffee shop bathroom and notice a $1,000,000 bill sitting next to the sink:

I bet it’s an ad for something.

Once at a street fair someone scattered ads shaped like $100 bills. They looked so realistic that I put four in my pockets. I'm not sure what I was planning on doing with them, but when I dropped one later a stranger ran through four lanes of busy traffic to return it. I pretended to be as happy as I would be if someone handed me $100 I'd dropped on the ground, instead of as happy as I would be if someone handed me an ad I'd dropped on the ground. I did a great job.

This bill looks way more realistic.

Is that what a million dollar bill really looks like?

If million dollar bills really existed, people wouldn’t carry suitcases full of money. Why would you carry a suitcase full of money when you could fold a million dollar bill into your wallet with your ice cream scoops punch card?

Maybe they carry suitcases full of money because there aren’t many million dollar bills in circulation.

I’m not touching it.

Maybe I should touch it. Just with a paper towel.

Maybe God left it here for me. Because I've been so good lately. It seems like a weird thing to do, but it seems like the sort of thing you’d expect from someone who invented scabs, bananas, sex, and those fish that just look like bummed-out piles of fat.

Or maybe it’s some sort of promotion the coffee shop is running, where if I turn it in to the front desk they’ll give me a year's supply of coffee and all the internet I want. What a strange promotion, and what a strange choice of bill to use. A twenty would have made a lot more sense.

Maybe a million dollar bill is normal. Maybe most people who come to this coffee shop are super rich, obscenely rich. Maybe they had this in their pocket to buy a Mazarati for the ride home. If they did they would have more than a suitcase worth of money left over.

I have been washing my hands for a really long time.

Here are pictures of a few things. A blobfish, a very strange photo of the cast of Ocean's 11 at an air base in Turkey, and the treehouse I would build if I had picked up the money. I'm not looking up if a million dollar bill exists because I want to it to stay a surprise.