Useful information if you hate spiders

I hope you never need to know how to not freak out about thousands of spiders in your apartment, but just in case you do.

1. Pretend they’re pets

My landlord doesn’t allow pets but I’ve found a genius workaround, spider pets. “Spider pets, spider pets, spider pets” I repeat to myself over and over again while I watch them crawl around in the shower or climb from the middle of the floor to the ceiling suspended in midair. These loving little adorable animals are under my care. I am so lucky.

2. Kill them

This seems in direct opposition to the first technique but it works just as well: spraying large amounts of poison on them or smashing them with my Doc Martens.

3. Think about bugs I don’t have

Last summer was the Summer of Millipedes which, as catchy as it sounds, was so horrible. Now the spiders eat the millipedes. They feast on them really, one millipede is like a table’s worth of steak for these spiders. So, good thing I don’t have millipedes anymore?

4. Have nightmares scarier than them

Last week I had a dream that I lost my face in an accident, and found a free face in the mail, but it was my coworker's face and the surgery went really wrong. Good luck scaring me now, spiders.

Here are pictures of apartments without spiders, to break up the text and to remind me to be thankful that at least I don't have cats.