Any sentence with the words "horrific" and "starfish"
I don’t recommend those conversations where everyone tries to see who has the most terrifying story that proves the world is ending, but if you do end up in one, I have a story that can definitely win every time.
People talk about a polar vortex, and smog in China so thick you can walk on it, or swim in it or whatever, but these stories all seem pretty quotidian compared to starfish ripping themselves apart alive. Read it again! Or don’t read it again. Close this browser and close your laptop!
Right now every starfish on the west coast has some horrible zombie disease that makes them walk all of their legs in different directions until they rip themselves to pieces. Here are my favorite article titles (it was hard to choose):
Mystery disease making starfish mutilate themselves then die
Starfish tear themselves limb from limb
Starfish tearing themselves apart in horrific epidemic
Scientists baffled as millions of starfish tear themselves apart
"It sounds like something from that Batman movie," I said to my deskmate as I held up a laptop full of images.
"Which Batman movie? The second?"
I was prepared for a lot of follow up questions but not that one.
“The one with Bane?” she asked.
“I’m not sure. Maybe the one with air? Really it seems like any of the Batman movies.”
She nodded as I made a mental note to read the Batman Wikipedia page.
I don’t know everything about Batman and I'm not even sure if it's capitalized. But I know that if there were a Batman movie about it being cold in the Midwest some people would say “That was a lame movie” but most people would say “I didn’t see that movie. It looked super lame. And I had way better things to do with eight dollars.”
Why spend eight dollars on a movie when the Wikipedia page is free? Save your money for a trip to the beach to see some un-mutilated starfish while they still exist.
