I'm the main character in the most boring movie ever

It's pretty lame but the main reason I wear scarves  is because when I'm wearing a scarf and I see my reflection, I think that I look like a photo my robot kids will see someday that will make them say "oh man my mom used to be cool."

Because one day I'll be really into chess, or whatever moms are into, and I'm sure I'll have gingivitis, and my kids will tease me about how bad I am at teleporting and they'll ask me what it was like to breathe oxygen growing up, but there will be photos to prove that once upon a time I was 26-going-on-35 and this is what a photo of those days would look like.

And then the second reason to wear them is look how messy my hair is here:

Just kidding, you can't tell how messy it is.

Now you are older than before you read this

Today's the sort of day where after the third person in a row tells you how tired you look, you go to the bathroom and see yourself in the mirror and realize you're not tired, you're just not wearing any makeup.

So the joke's on you, well-meaning friends. This is just how my face always looks.

Casting list: Portland airport

Girl in a mouse shirt and a black leather jacket.

That's me, but it's not really leather, just black plastic.

Woman at bag check.

The one who says "There are mice on your shirt" using the same tone of voice you'd use to tell someone your name.

Man who calls for backup when you set off the metal detector.

"Attention! We've got a woman in a leather jacket!" is probably some sort of airport code for "Look how cool this girl is!" but it's not really leather, just black plastic.

Woman who wipes your hands with a wet wipe after you set off the metal detector.

You set off the metal detector? No problem. Now that your hands are wet you're good to go.

hair story

So far every day of my entire life has been the part of the movie before the unpopular girl gets the makeover and is suddenly smokin' hot.

hats and a love story

My family has one photo of my great-grandmother when she was a baby, and she is wearing the best hat I have ever seen on anyone, especially a baby. Her dad was a hat-maker, so I guess she had her pick of great hats. Being a hat maker was a thing back then, I also guess.

Today I think hats are mainly a way to tell people what sports team you like, but when my great-great-grandfather made hats, it didn't matter what sports team you liked. Hats were for everyone. In fact I've spent a lot of time looking at this photo of my great-grandmother and I still have no idea what sports team she liked. This is all true.

And then the part that isn't true, but that I love, is that one day my great-grandmother grew up and fell in love with a man with the biggest skull in the world, a man that looked terrible in hats, a man whose children would have globes instead of heads and would also look terrible in hats and would never have mysterious baby pictures wearing million-dollar hats. It was the opposite of everything her parents wanted for her. And she sat them down and she said "Listen, there are ten things in the world that are less important than love, and one of them is hats."

And she married him, and her dad came to the wedding in a hat so fantastic the other wedding guests wanted to scratch their eyes out so it would be the last thing they ever saw.

And she had seven children, each with a bigger head than the one before. That is why my grandmother's head is so big she uses a punch bowl as a fitting tool when she crochets beanies. That is why my mom's head is so big she can't ride bikes because no helmets will fit. And that is why my head is so big that when I look in the mirror it is hard to see both the left and right edges of it, and that is why I look terrible in hats, and that is why if you want to know what my favorite sports team is, you will have to ask me. It's the Minnesota Twins.

Pictures to break up the text!